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When Siblings Bicker




Sibling rivalry is more common than we think. Psychologists conclude it to be a typical aspect to normal family life. Fights are commonplace between children in the same family and most of these episodes are rooted in jealousy. Self blame is not the answer; parents should not think they are responsible for sibling disagreements. At the same time they should be aware that there are steps they can take to minimize its incidence.


The WHAT of sibling rivalry

• Every child is different; while one child will have no issues with her siblings, another might be very jealous showing aggression or possessiveness


• Fist fights take precedence over verbal disputes in children around 2-3 years of age


• Rivalry is most pronounced when the youngest child is around 3-4 years of age. Also the battles mostly revolve around toys with this age group.


• Power play becomes important with children in the 4-5 age category


The WHY of sibling rivalry

It occurs because:


• Parents provide limited time and resources for their kids

• Kids fight because of clashing talents, personalities and strengths

• Kids fight when they are trying to compete for attention and approval

• Children fight with their contenders in a bid to win their parent's love


No-nonsense Principles

Rivalry between siblings is more obvious when they are closer in age as they tend to harbor competitive feelings (this persists even as they grow older). The rivalry tendency tends to be higher when the age gap is two to four years. In comparison it is less intense when the gap is narrower - less than 18 months or broader - more than four years. You cannot hope to simplify matters by interfering. Instead read on..


Let them negotiate their own differences

Fights tend to perpetuate when you intervene. Your intervention is viewed as attention and children resort to fights knowing that you are there to step in and dissolve it for them. Ignore the petty arguments and let the kids sort them out themselves. Even what seems like a trivial intervention to you can change the nature of their interaction and shift the attention to you. It is important to stay on the sidelines and better for your children to think of ways to negotiate the situation. Guide your children and listen carefully to everyone without taking sides. Make suggestions and then let the kids generate their own options.


Use humor and have a positive attitude


Humor is a good way to cope with sibling disagreements instead of you blowing up. Propose comical suggestions and watch how a tensed moment dissipates and before you know it, the crisis is over. Try viewing sibling conflicts as a means that leads children to self-discovery, empowerment and a reinforcement of their own autonomy. Sibling arguments provide kids with the opportunity to deal with the world rather than just being a teary battle.


No physical violence rule

Enforce this rule and make it very clear that hitting each other is not allowed. Kids have no right to get physical under any circumstance. If the fighting does get out of control, separate them and encourage them to talk and work out a solution.


Encourage cooperation


Get children to complete jobs together. Sorting out the laundry or packing up their toys can be done jointly. Supervise so that the task is completed and done properly. You are also encouraging responsible behavior from a young age and getting cohesive help from all the kids.


Each child is an individual


Each child is blessed with his own set of unique characteristics. Even if your children seem similar and compatible, there are differences in interests and traits - acknowledge them. It is important to recognize and appreciate your child for what he is. Value him for what he is and not how well he matches up to his siblings. Comparisons are ineffective and only serve to divide the kids further. Simple statements from the parent like 'Your sister is better at art than you are,' or 'Why can’t you be like your brother', can increase rivalry rather than remove it. This method also ups the ante to fight for the ‘best position’ in the family.


Conflict resolution


Intervene with the purpose to teach them how to sort out their conflicts. Hear both sides of the episode. And then ask them to think of possible ways to resolve the problem and offer helpful suggestions where necessary. Otherwise remove yourself from the room and do something else if your kids seem to be 'playing to an audience'. Left alone, they may solve their problems more quickly.


Be a good role model

How you and your partner communicate, sort things out and make compromises are actions being watched by your kids; they impact your children more than you realize. Set a good example and let them learn from you.


Find alone time with your child

Sometimes take each child on a separate outing instead of doing everything as a family.


Final words


Sibling relationships are about communicating feelings and needs. It is important for children to put words to their emotions so that they learn to communicate instead of getting physical with each other. Another point is that kids need a break from each other just like adults. They can feel stressed from spending too much time together. So it is wise to allow kids to do things separately to prevent resentment between each other. Finally sibling relationships provide them with the opportunity to rehearse for socialization in the wider world - a chance to compromise, to deal with emotions.


 
 
 
 
 
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Disclaimer: Information contained on this Web site is intended solely to make available general summarized information to the public. It should not be substituted for medical advice. It is your responsibility to consult with your pediatrician and/or health care provider before acting on any advice on this web site. While OEM endeavors to provide up-to-date and accurate information, it is not liable for any advice whatsoever rendered nor is it liable for the completeness or timeliness of any information on this site.
 
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