Sibling rivalry is more common than we think. Psychologists
conclude it to be a typical aspect to normal family
life. Fights are commonplace between children in the
same family and most of these episodes are rooted
in jealousy. Self blame is not the answer; parents
should not think they are responsible for sibling
disagreements. At the same time they should be aware
that there are steps they can take to minimize its
incidence.
The WHAT of sibling rivalry
• Every child is different; while one child
will have no issues with her siblings, another might
be very jealous showing aggression or possessiveness
• Fist fights take precedence over verbal disputes
in children around 2-3 years of age
• Rivalry is most pronounced when the youngest
child is around 3-4 years of age. Also the battles
mostly revolve around toys with this age group.
• Power play becomes important with children
in the 4-5 age category
The WHY of sibling rivalry
It occurs because:
• Parents provide limited time and resources
for their kids
• Kids fight because of clashing talents, personalities
and strengths
• Kids fight when they are trying to compete
for attention and approval
• Children fight with their contenders in a
bid to win their parent's love
No-nonsense Principles
Rivalry between siblings is more obvious when they
are closer in age as they tend to harbor competitive
feelings (this persists even as they grow older).
The rivalry tendency tends to be higher when the age
gap is two to four years. In comparison it is less
intense when the gap is narrower - less than 18 months
or broader - more than four years. You cannot hope
to simplify matters by interfering. Instead read on..
Let them negotiate their own differences
Fights tend to perpetuate when you intervene. Your
intervention is viewed as attention and children resort
to fights knowing that you are there to step in and
dissolve it for them. Ignore the petty arguments and
let the kids sort them out themselves. Even what seems
like a trivial intervention to you can change the
nature of their interaction and shift the attention
to you. It is important to stay on the sidelines and
better for your children to think of ways to negotiate
the situation. Guide your children and listen carefully
to everyone without taking sides. Make suggestions
and then let the kids generate their own options.
Use humor and have a positive attitude
Humor is a good way to cope with sibling disagreements
instead of you blowing up. Propose comical suggestions
and watch how a tensed moment dissipates and before
you know it, the crisis is over. Try viewing sibling
conflicts as a means that leads children to self-discovery,
empowerment and a reinforcement of their own autonomy.
Sibling arguments provide kids with the opportunity
to deal with the world rather than just being a teary
battle.
No physical violence rule
Enforce this rule and make it very clear that hitting
each other is not allowed. Kids have no right to get
physical under any circumstance. If the fighting does
get out of control, separate them and encourage them
to talk and work out a solution.
Encourage cooperation
Get children to complete jobs together. Sorting out
the laundry or packing up their toys can be done jointly.
Supervise so that the task is completed and done properly.
You are also encouraging responsible behavior from
a young age and getting cohesive help from all the
kids.
Each child is an individual
Each child is blessed with his own set of unique characteristics.
Even if your children seem similar and compatible,
there are differences in interests and traits - acknowledge
them. It is important to recognize and appreciate
your child for what he is. Value him for what he is
and not how well he matches up to his siblings. Comparisons
are ineffective and only serve to divide the kids
further. Simple statements from the parent like 'Your
sister is better at art than you are,' or 'Why can’t
you be like your brother', can increase rivalry rather
than remove it. This method also ups the ante to fight
for the ‘best position’ in the family.
Conflict resolution
Intervene with the purpose to teach them how to sort
out their conflicts. Hear both sides of the episode.
And then ask them to think of possible ways to resolve
the problem and offer helpful suggestions where necessary.
Otherwise remove yourself from the room and do something
else if your kids seem to be 'playing to an audience'.
Left alone, they may solve their problems more quickly.
Be a good role model
How you and your partner communicate, sort things
out and make compromises are actions being watched
by your kids; they impact your children more than
you realize. Set a good example and let them learn
from you.
Find alone time with your child
Sometimes take each child on a separate outing instead
of doing everything as a family.
Final words
Sibling relationships are about communicating feelings
and needs. It is important for children to put words
to their emotions so that they learn to communicate
instead of getting physical with each other. Another
point is that kids need a break from each other just
like adults. They can feel stressed from spending
too much time together. So it is wise to allow kids
to do things separately to prevent resentment between
each other. Finally sibling relationships provide
them with the opportunity to rehearse for socialization
in the wider world - a chance to compromise, to deal
with emotions.